In million years I never thought it would happen again. If your like me, I thought there were so many good signs. It was hard to comprehend that it was happening. I feel like I knew but so badly wanted to be one of those couples that it only happened once and we would get our rainbow. It took me so long to write it out but I feel like its so important becasue I am still looking for answers and my case was so unique and traumatizing that I don’t want to feel alone. I don’t want someone to feel alone. After starting acupuncture and therapy, its taken me 5 months to finally write about it. I have PTSD and that was hard to accept.

We found out we were pregnant for the 2nd time on Dec 22, 2020. The day happened so fast and I was in such disbelief becasue we didn’t even try. I felt like I called my office that day, they confirmed it and we had our first ultrasound scheduled for the following week becasue of my history. I couldn’t even prepare myself for the PTSD that I would have being back in that office with the ultrasound machine. During that 5 week appt, it felt like it was happening all over again. The words the doctor was saying, the images I was watching on the ultrasounds machine. It all sounded the same. I came out to John in just a mess and it took him forever to get me to understand that the doctor didn’t say anything was bad but just early and we had to wait. She ordered beta tests and that would tell.

After 2 betas, my HCG was rising but very slowly. Not doubling like a normal pregnancy so there was concern. Only a small percentage of pregnancies are successful with a slow rise, so we were hopeful but scared to death. I started having a side pain and small spotting that concerned my doctor but she also wasn’t sure if it was just pregnancy symptoms. So we did another ultrasound, 6 weeks, which gave us no good news but not bad, so we were still waiting. She ordered a 2nd opinion with the radiologist to rule out ectopic. I cant even begin to explain the feeling of feeling pregnant but not feeling it at the same time. The stress and unknown factors were just the worst. This was how we were starting our new year and it didn’t feel good.

After the 2nd opinion and now 7 weeks, I thought they would’ve been able to find something. My doctor called me that evening. I remember it so perfectly. I was in bed, Jan 13. She called to tell me they confirmed ectopic and gave me the option to go into the ER that night or the next day. She wanted to avoid surgery and losing one of my organs. She said only the er would be able to help me abort my pregnancy. I cried the entire night. So we went to the er and of course John couldn’t be there with me. I remember telling him that I will be ok and walking away from him just yelling at the nurse. I felt like I cried the entire way in.

The whole time in the er, they were so confused as to why I was there. They ordered another ultrasound and I cant even being to state how annoyed and over ultrasounds I was. After a long night. After a night of watching the nurses attend to the drug addict detoxing more than they checked on me. I was scared and starving. I was so frustrated with the health care system. I hated that I had to suffer because of covid, that my husband couldn’t sit there with me. I sort accepted my reality and waited for them to start the procedure to abort my pregnancy.

The ER ob finally came in and I was not prepared for what she was going to tell me. They found a small gestational sac and were not going to abort. She ordered I go home and get some bed rest. I was so confused, it felt like a miracle. I was so angry with my doctor.

5 days later, 8 weeks pregnant, I started bleeding heavy with cramps. We went to the ER again and they confirmed a miscarriage. I went home and miscarried the next day on the due date of my first pregnancy, Jan 19. I was just done with everything. I was angry at the family members that didn’t understand what we were doing through but had expectations of us after the first miscarriage so miscarrying again made me more angry at them. I was angry that I was the tolkien infertile girl of my group of friends.

After 2 months of non stop bleeding and waiting for the pregnancy to leave me, they finally started a work up. I have the MTHFR+ mutation. We decided we aren’t going to try for awhile. There’s more to it but not something I don’t want to share. I want answers. I want to hear stories of women who have the mutation and went on to have a healthy pregnancy. I am hoping that specific someone finds my story and is open to share with me. If not that, I don’t want advice or opinions from someone who doesn’t understand what it means to go through this. I’m only open to those who physically and mentally know what I am going through. I know a few people who know me personally have reached out with love and support and no questions, and I really appreciate that. You really don’t know what someone else is going through and those stories helped me feel less alone.

I am in a better place than I was year ago but I am also in a the thick of grief that will never go away even after I have my rainbow. I wish I can say that I have people that support me in that, which I do, but there are also people in my life that have made it difficult for us to grieve my babies and accept my reality. Please use our story as a good example as to why you should never ask a couple if they’re pregnant. For us its a loaded question.